Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
You Might Also Like
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
🙂🐾
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Hero horse inspires millions
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.