My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Beauty and the Beast
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.