i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Me buying fruit and veg
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Sharon, call the vet
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….