If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
🛁
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Everyone’s family
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.