Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
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A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her