I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
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You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]