[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
You Might Also Like
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
this is funnier than any friends episode
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
had to share :’)
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling