[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.