Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
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“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My spirit animal is fried chicken
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.