Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
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Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
This guy’s not having it 😆
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.