[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I am crying
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you