“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
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( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
m’lady
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it