[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The smoothest fall of all time
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring