MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.