When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold