Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
You Might Also Like
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Trumpy Cat
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*