*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
You Might Also Like
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
don’t be scared
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are