Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago