[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
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Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”