Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I like crazy people until they notice me
The best plant holders?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.