My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
My flabber has been gasted.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
May never get over this
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.