Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
*power walks to the refrigerator*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Writing, She Murdered.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!