The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches