I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
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I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
What if all the cashiers are married?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.