Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.