kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.