[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday