Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Word!
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.