Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
the greatest twitter interaction
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Just had my nails done!
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.