My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I told my vodka about you.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Lube but for my dry humor.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.