“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
The three genders.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?