the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.