When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY