You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I should have stayed in kindergarten.