Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
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When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Ah..makes sense now
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
こいつ天才