My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
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i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
With this onion ring, I thee fed
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”