“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.