Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Salad is the decaf of food.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.