“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
The fall of Netflix
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Midwest trash talk
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
no
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York