Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
So glad we cleared that up
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.