No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”