“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
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Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample