I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
You Might Also Like
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Stop sending me this shit.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit