Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can