me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
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“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren