man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
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I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.