My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
The future is now.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance