Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
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Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.