I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
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This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.