Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Mornin
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.